Desolate
by x-cagegrrl-x
Summary: We put the past behind us for a reason, but when someone meddles in our memories they may get more then expected. SS/SB slash, abuse, non-con. Don't like, don't read.
1. Secret's of the Night

**Desolate**

We put the past behind us for a reason, but when someone meddles in our memories they may get more then expected.

What harm could it do? Harry thought, gazing questioningly at the pensive infront of him. Snape's pensive in Snape's office that Harry had broken into in the night to lay a prank for his most hated professor.

Harry grinned wickedly, touching the silvery surface and feeling himself falling into Snape's memory. He landed with a thud on the ground beside an oak tree on the outskirts of the forbidden forest. He looked around and saw the young, skrawny body of a teenage Snape sat under the oak tree with his long skinny arms wrapped around his legs protectively pulled close to his chest.

He heard the crack of a twig and turned around at the same time Snape looked up and saw the dark figure of Sirius Black moving towards them in the starry black night. Sirius looked solemn as he stopped only a meter away from where Snape now stood under the tree.

"Go away." Snape whispered harshly, moving to get away from him but Sirius was quicker, jumping forward and grabbing the younger wizards arm.

"Not until you listen to me." Sirius said, almost pleading with a look on his face that Harry had never seen before. Snape looked at him, but there was no venom or loathing in his expression, only pain and suffering and his eyes were watered slightly, "I should've known better then to have ever trusted you." He whispered, his voice breaking painfully almost like he was berating himself with his words, "I should've known better."

Sirius shook his head, "I'm sorry Severus. I never deserved the chances you gave me and I took it all for granted. I guess I just didn't want to see what I was really doing to you and brushed it all off."

Chances? Harry thought carefully over his words then remembered, Wait. Did Sirius just call Snape by his first name?

Snape looked up at him, his cheeks now stained with tears, looking as if he was too weak to fight back, "Please Sirius. I can't anymore. The screaming won't go away and it hurts." Snape begged, almost cried. He laid his head gently on Sirius' shoulder when the animagus pulled him into his arms in a soft embrace.

"I'm so sorry Sev." Sirius whispered his voice soothing and soft like a mother would speak to her new born child, "I'm so sorry."

Snape looked up at Sirius, his arms wrapped around his too skinny waist like he was trying to protect his exposed body. "Please Siri, make it stop hurting." He begged, his cries where pain filled and held a hint of loss in them.

Harry mulled over the name Siri in his head that Snape had used. Since when did Snape even have a nickname for his godfather? Sirius closed his eyes tight, stopping himself from shedding a tear at the knowledge that he'd finally done what he'd set out to do. He'd broken Severus Snape in the worst possible way. But he hadn't planned on falling for him during the process. "I don't know how to Sev." he said back in his soothing voice.

"Please don't leave me again." Severus begged, unwrapping his arms and clutching to the front of Sirius's robes. "I'll stop fighting, I swear I'll be good. Just please don't leave me on my own."

Sirius stiffened slightly and froze. He reread all of Severus' words over and over, not having the chance to speak before Snape begged again, "Please master, please don't leave. I'll be good, I promise." He sobbed, his face buried in the robes as his hands held tighter to the fabric. Sirius let a tear roll down his cheek. "Shhh." he tried to sooth him lifting the fragile boy into his arms and sitting under the tree on the spot Snape had just occupied and resting the shaking body of his old enemy on his lap, gently rocking him back and forth. "Oh Sev. What have I done?"

Severus only misheard the last few words, believing he was in trouble and panicking again when his mind refused to allow him to know what he'd done wrong. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He cried over and over again, begging Sirius not to be mad at him, knowing he would be punished but he was more scared of losing Sirius at that moment. He never had anyone else. He knew that the way Sirius would get angry and hit him sometimes meant that he wasn't going to stop no matter how many times he had begged him too.

His father had abused him as a child, and he'd been forced to watch the murder of his mother at his fathers hands when he was 12 years old and living with the knowledge that his mother was rotting in the basement for three more years until his father died of alcohol poisoning. Sirius had started being civil to him after the whomping willow incident, and when they had been put on detention together, Sirius for the willow and Severus for breaking curfew, Sirius had seemed to become very friendly towards him. He was kind and helpful and when Sirius first kissed him, Severus lost himself inside his dark pit again.

He allowed Sirius what he wanted, not knowing what else to do. He'd always been taught that fighting back led to severe punishment and he didn't want to know what Sirius considered as severe after the willow. So he lay there on his stomach, listening to the sound of his tear chocked breathing while Sirius took him in the classroom they were supposed to be cleaning.

When he had finished, Sirius had left the room as quickly as possible, leaving Snape to curl himself into a ball and cry silently at the pain in his back, ass and legs. Professor Binns had found him when he floated through the wall. He tutted and shook his head, staring intently at the freshly beaten and raped 16 year old in his classroom. Severus apologized, his mind had already shut down trying to protect him from the realization of what had just happened. But it didn't stop Sirius, after a week, it was a common occurrence. Every few days he was given new scars and more pain, barely even able to move at all, Severus had become a shell. Hollow.

He didn't know what to do. He couldn't protect himself because he didn't know how. He was scared, the same fear that filled him when his father was alive was now there because of Sirius. But Severus attached himself to him. He laid his head on Sirius' knees when Sirius amused himself by making him sit at his feet like a pet. He did everything Sirius told him to, even eating and drinking only when Sirius allowed it.

He had become so thin that his ribs stuck out of his scarred chest, he had lost all of the weight he'd gained since his father died. Sirius' head suddenly shot up and stared right in Harry's direction, Harry knew he couldn't see him but he also knew that he was as white as a sheet and that there was the sound of voices behind him that were getting closer. Sirius quickly moved Snape off his lap and sat him in the shadows beside the oak tree. Snape clutched at him, "No…no…please…" he cried, his skeleton form shaking in the moonlight. Sirius grabbed his wrists and shoved him off, "Shut up Severus, someone's coming. I can't let anyone see me with you."

Sirius threw Snape's arms away from him and Snape pulled them close to himself, curling up again and laying on the ground against the oak. His cries were broken and heart shattering, he was choking on his own breath and his lungs were burning but the pain in his heart and the screaming in his head was much worse.

His whispers made him sound like he was dying but the words were too quiet for anyone else to hear. Sirius quickly hid behind another tree and waited for the teachers roaming the grounds to get as far as the Qudditch pitch so no one would find them there before he came back out. Sirius put his hand on Snape's shoulder and clutched it tightly, even after he had made the realization of what he'd done only a few minutes ago, he couldn't stop the anger and hate that seeped through, "Stop crying!" he spat out angrily. Severus heard the anger in his voice and covered his head, biting his lip hard to stop most of the crying but the tears still blinded him.

Sirius shook his head and grit his teeth, "I'm going to bed, and when I tell you to do something, you do it." He said, grabbing Severus' chin tightly, sure enough there would be finger print bruises there in the morning, and shoved his head back so hard that it cracked against the tree trunk. Sirius quickly stood and strode back to the castle in the dark.

Severus wrapped his arms around his head and sobbed into the ground, the smell of blood dangling in the air from the back of his head. He wouldn't sleep tonight incase that blow caused a concussion so he settled for breathing in and out slowly. Severus pushed himself into a sitting position, leaning heavily on the tree while he continued to cry and shake. "I want…to…die, please!" he croaked out, staring at the earth below him.

Those were the last words Harry heard before the memory ended.

**A/N:** Well, let me know what you guys think. I don't know whether to continue with this story or leave it as a stand-alone chapter so that will depend on how many of you want to see this expanded.

Thank you for reading and please review


	2. Snowflakes on the Ground

**Okay background check, this is supposed to be set during Harry's 5th Year but as far as my idea's to continue this story go, it barely follows the books at all although the ending (if written properly) hopefully will. So, since I've had a couple of requests to carry this on here is the second chapter. Enjoy.**

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Harry couldn't believe what he'd seen, but the sound of footsteps in the near distance didn't allow him the time to think as he flung his invisibility cloak over himself and slipped unnoticed through the door and out of the dungeons, all the way back up to Gryffindor tower.

When he entered the common room Ron was waiting for him, a happy grin on his face, "Did you do it?" he asked, his voice high pitched with excitment. Harry stared at his friend, unable to answer and the only picture in his head was that of a teenage Snape, laying in the dirt and shadows, broken and weeping and begging for death.

He felt his chest clench and had to run full force to the bathrooms, barely making it into a stall before he was violently sick and he let the tears fall and the reality of what he'd just witnessed wash over him.

He'd never look at Snape or Sirius the same way again.

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It had been a week since Harry had snuck iton Snape's rooms, a week since he'd witnessed the horror's in the pensieve. Ron and Hermione knew there was something wrong, Harry hadn't slept or eaten properly since that night, though Ron had put it down to Snape having cursed Harry after catching him in his rooms. That was what Harry had told them the next morning when no prank came in first lesson Potions.

Harry couldn't help but wonder what must have happened between that memory and Sirius being sent to Azkaban that allowed Sirius to get away with what he'd done to Snape. And he was beginning to have a clearer idea as to why Snape preferred to keep the distance between himself and others that he did.

Although it sounded like an utterly stupid plan even to him, Harry resolved that he needed to see what other memories were hidden in Snape's old pensieve, and found the opportune time when Snape was absent for the castle one Saturday night, and claiming to Ron and Hermione that he was off to detention with Filch for having been caught in Snape's rooms, Harry grabbed his invisibility cloak and headed for his target.

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(**A/N: **from now on all the memories will be in itallics to prevent confusion)

_It was an exceptionally frostly December morning which found Severus sitting on the very edge of the Astronomy Tower balcony watching the snow fall onto the grounds hundreds of feet below. It was only three days to Christmas now, which meant most of the other students had packed up and gone home for the holidays. As far as he knew there were only about 10 students left in Hogwarts, and he was the only Slytherin._

_He heared the door creak open and then shut again, tentative footsteps falling behind him before stopping just short of where he sat. He felt those blue eyes he knew so well bore into the back of his head, watching him, studying him, as though at any moment he may throw himself from the tower to the snowflaked grass below._

_"I know what you're thinking" he said, his velvety soft voice speaking each word cautiously. He refused to turn around to look at the other teen and so was unable to be fully sure if the bigger boy was in a good or bad mood today._

_Sirius blinked and sighed, "I find you teatering on the very edge of the highest point of the school, staring blankly at the grounds below...ofcourse you know what I'm thinking...who else wouldn't be thinking that you were about to jump...?" Sirius sighed and moved to the side, holding out his hand to the smaller boy, moving slow so as to not make him jump. Severus just stared at his hand, his blank expression trying to register the gesture the other was making, "Please don't jump Sev."_

_Severus gasped and looked at him. His blank expression was gone and in his eyes was all the pain and suffering of years of torture and abuse, the love, hatred and fear battled for dominance but he knew it was no use, he would always give in to him._

_"Would it matter?" the raven haired Slytherin questioned, his slight quiver of a voice losing its silky tones and showing the pain and stress of the bane of his extistance, "Who would miss me really? I'd expect your friends would celebrate quite cheerfully, infact I bet even my fellow Slytherins would take part in a toast to finally being rid of the slimy, useless, ugly little prick that is me..." Tears were flowing down the 16 year old's cheeks now, his body shaking with the hurt knowing that every word of what he'd just said was true._

_Sirius shook his head and carefully took hold of the other boys hand, "I'd miss you" he pleaded with the boy. Severus sighed and allowed Sirius to trace the outline of a rather nasty bruise on his cheek, evidence of the last time Sirius had lost his temper only days ago._

_Severus shook his head, his cracked voice a broken whisper, "If only that were true..."_

_Sirius shushed him with a gentle kiss, Severus instantly giving in to the offered comfort and responded eagerly to his lover. Sirius pulled the boy to him, carefully holding his shaking skeletal body in his muscled arms. He broke the kiss only when the need for air became to much and rested his forehead against the Slytherins, staring into the teary bottomless black eyes of his lover._

_"You mean more to me then you know Severus" Sirius whispered, "I know I don't show it like I should...but you do mean a lot to me."_

_Severus drew in a shuddering breath, his whispered "I love you" met with another kiss, this time chaste and quick but showing how precious he was to the Gryffindor. Sirius smiled softly, storking the other boys cheek, "I love you, Severus."_

_Severus stared at him, shocked and blinking. His mouth dropped open and he looked as if he'd just been told a dragon was about to eat the school. "W...what?" he sputtered, shaking his head to try and clear out the blankness._

_Sirius chuckled and kissed him again, "I said I love you Severus" the Gryffindor grinned happily, watching the show of expression burst out on his love's face, "And I do mean it, and now I am not under a curse or potion...nor have I been sneaking firewhiskey in from Hogsmeade either."_

_Severus just shook his head, his eyes still wide and searching every crevice of Sirius' face for false words, "Y...you've never said that before...I mean, not those words."_

_Sirius nodded, "I know, but I've always meant them." And with that he pulled the smaller into a long, passionate kiss, filled with all the love he held for the younger teen within that kiss and the memory began to fade with that picture._

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Suddenly Harry was shot out of the memory like a speeding bullet. Obviously that memory had taken place after the first one he'd seen as the weather had chaned dramatically from rain to snow. Even more confused Harry slumped into a seated position on the desk behind him, pondering the images he had just seen.

It was such a huge change from the broken and needy clinging Snape, and the angry, anxious and abusive Sirius he'd seen in the first memory.

What had happened in the middle of those two memories to have changed everything so much. Snape had still seemed clearly damaged and frightened of Sirius, but had fallen into his arms with only little hesitation. Even Sirius had seemed calmer, more gentle and had even openly announced his love for his abused victim.

And then Harry though to how they reacted to seeing each other again after Sirius' return from Azkaban and then how they'd openly mocked each other a fought like they hated each other all throughout the Order meetings. Surely long lost lovers would fall into each others arms, or at least be happy to see one another, how ever Snape and Sirius continued to look at each other with all the contempt and hatred built up from their childhoods.

Harry decided he needed to find what had happened in between those two memories, and after, so that he'd be able to understand why they'd changed so much.

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**A/N: Well if you've got this far then thank you for reading. I'm sorry it's shorter then last time but my plan for this has just taken a dramtic twist and so I've redone this whole chapter in 2 days. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review and let me know what you think, all feedback is greatly apprecciated.**


	3. Abused Devotion

**A/N: Okay, so I've been thinking to myself that Snape would obviously have wards around his private rooms, but maybe not his classroom, so I've put the pensieve in a lightly warded cupboard and I'm just going to assume that Snape is simply to busy to worry about students finding it who actually know how to use it.**

**Sorry this took so long guys, I've had a difficult last few days but I finally found the time to finish this chapter and will be working on the next asap. Enjoy. (Warning, this chapter is heavily filled with sex, rape, violence, swearing and pretty scary thoughts but there is a warning up before the sex scene so if you don't want to read about that kind of stuff I suggest heading the warning or just don't read the chapter.)**

**Disclaimer: I, unfortunatly, do not own Harry Potter nor anything associated with the Harry Potter series or Warner Bros. productions and can only take credit for what my own mind has come up with.**

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It was a while before Harry found an opportunity to sneak back into Snape's rooms once more. But he found his opportunity on the second night of the Christmas holidays, when even Ron and Hermione had gone home for the holidays and Harry had stayed behind, claiming he was going to head to Grimmauld Place as soon as Dumbledore cleared the Order out of the house.

So, knowing that Snape would be away at the Order meeting, Harry bound down to Snape's rooms at midnight and slid into Snape's classroom, uncharming the door so that he was able to sneak in and find Snape's pensieve.

Harry stood before the shimmering bowl, thinking hard about wanting to know what had gone on between the first and last memories he had seen, hoping that this would work to find him the right memory he leaned forward and was met with the expected feeling that he was falling headfirst down a long, dark tunnel and with no noise what so ever he came to land on a dusty stone floor of what appeared to be a disused classroom.

Harry stood and turned to look behind him, finding a similar looking teenage Sirius and Snape to the last two memories, though a quick glance out the window told Harry it was winter but it hadn't quite began to snow just yet, meaning he had hit his target of being in the middle of the two memories, but he frowned as he watched the secne unfold before him.

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_They stared at each other, blood boiling instantly, one ready to burst and the other standing calmly waiting for the attack._

_Like a speeding bullet Sirius swung his fist around and it clashed like thunder against the pallid cheek of the black haired Slytherin in front of him. Severus clutched his cheek, tears springing to the front of his eyes. That had really stung._

_He was caught slightly off balance by Sirius forcefully grabbing a handful of his long hair, pulling on it hard so his head was forced back and twisted slightly to the side to add extra pain to his neck. Sirius frowned angrily, "Pathetic." he sneered, growling in such an animalistic way that only he could pull off._

_He watched the blood drip from Severus' mouth down his chin, and grinned evilly. Severus was flung to the floor; landing with a resounding thud on the wooden floor boards of the classroom they occupied, his small body ached with the force of the blow on his back from his landing and from the sudden hard kick Sirius planted in the younger boy's side. He quickly followed with two hard kicks to Severus' extremely thin stomach, knowing there was barely any fat or muscle there to protect him from the forcefulness of the blows, before he dropped to his knee's, an evil smirk on his face while he watched Severus squirm, "You love it, don't you? Sick bitch." he spat out horribly, his voice was filled with such hatred that the sound of it was what triggered Severus' crying, not the pain he was feeling._

_Severus was used to pain at the hands of his enemy. Sirius and his friends had bullied, tormented and beaten him ever since 1st year and over the last few months the violence between Sirius and Severus had escalated to extreme measures. Severus had become much more accustomed to the pain and had accepted it as the price to pay to spend time with the teenager he both hated and loved._

_Sirius roughly grabbed Severus' chin and planted a hard, bruising kiss on the pale pink lips. They were both gasping for breath, deepening the kiss while Sirius continued to hit and cause the younger as much pain as he possibly could, removing his remaining clothes at the same time._

***WARNING: THIS IS THE SEX SCENE! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ SCROLL DOWN TO THE POINT WHERE IT ENDS!***

_Sirius was to horny to bother with foreplay tonight, and he knew he would have to return to bed soon because some people would start waking up in about 3 or so hours, so he stripped him self of his remaining clothes and shoved open Severus' legs, though he didn't have to force him as Severus spread his legs wide enough for Sirius to settle between them. Sirius placed himself at Severus' unprepared entrance and smirked, venomously whispered in his ear, "Whore." before thrusting in with all of his force, breaking past the tight ring of muscle to the heat inside. The younger teen beneath him bit into his bottom lip hard, drawing blood and muffling his own screams as well as he could. The tears were flowing fast down his cheeks but he refused to take his eyes of Sirius._

_He had to see him on top of himself, thrusting into him relentlessly. Most of the pain dulled as the pleasure of their fast paced fucking broke through, Severus moaned quietly, listening and savoring the sounds of Sirius' misplaced cursing, panting and moaning._

_"Fuck...so damn tight...shit." Sirius panted out, thrusting hard into Severus who wrapped his arms around Sirius' neck for support, stroking one of his skeleton like, pale hands softly through the sweat matted hair. Severus could feel his own blood trickling out off his ass, lubing Sirius' dick and he knew how badly injured he was, but he savored it. He needed it. It was from Sirius and to him that meant it was perfect._

_Sirius felt his balls tightening and moaned loudly as his orgasm hit, simultaneously with Severus' orgasm. They rode out the last few waves of pleasure, Sirius collapsed out of exhaustion right on top of Severus, not caring that he had hurt and winded the smaller boy. Severus wrapped his shaking arms around Sirius, knowing it was the closest to affection he would ever get while Sirius regained his strength. _

_Severus raised his head and looked down to his chest where Sirius' head was resting and he croaked out a weak, pain filled, "I love you" before he cried again silently. It was all he could do as he watched the older boy stand and redress, cleaning himself off with Severus' shirt, not caring that the Slytherin would have nothing to wear back to his room other then his pants and cloak. Sirius gave him a distasteful look but he didn't hit him, the look Severus gave him, still crying softly, made him stop for a moment and think of what he had done to the Slytherin boy. It had happened a few times recently, when Sirius stopped long enough to see Severus' heart shatter more in his bottomless black eyes, gazing over all the multicoloured bruises and scattered scars he had left on the 16 year old._

_He turned to leave but Severus, for all the pain it caused him, moved quickly grabbing Sirius' hand and holding it close to his chest, just above his heart. Sirius could feel the racing heartbeat against his knuckles, and Severus' labored breathing. He looked up at him again, slowly sobbing, "Please...don't leave." he cried out, his voice nothing but a cracked whisper. There was barely any of the old Snape left and Sirius knew that was down to him, but he couldn't seem to bring himself to care._

***SEX SCENE OVER!***

_For all the times he hated himself for being so cruel, he looked at Severus and just couldn't bring himself to care. He hated the Slytherin and he didn't entirely know why anymore. Severus collapsed at his feet; he no longer had the strength to hold himself up anymore. He lost his grip on Sirius' hand and instead cradled his head in his arms. Sirius knew why. The smaller boy was schizophrenic and he was sure that the voices he heard in his head where screaming at him, teasing him, and the fragile body shook as the cracked whispers of Severus pleading with his own mind drifted to Sirius' ears, "Please...I'm sorry...it hurts...please stop."_

_Sirius couldn't make himself move, he knew he should but he couldn't. He dropped into the closest chair and watched Severus shiver on the ground, still naked and covered in his own blood and the evidence of what had just happened._

_Sirius's body moved of its own accord, he grabbed the already soiled shirt and started cleaning off as much as he could. Severus just lay on the ground watching him. He had stopped talking but he was still shaking violently and his eyes killed Sirius. He kicked himself for risking looking into the dull, black orbs, surrounded by black bruises and fatigued features. In Severus's eyes he could see the boy's heart breaking, all the pain he had suffered in his short life there on display for him to see. His eyes were haunted and painful, and Sirius had to look away. He traced one finger over Severus' body, starting at his forehead, around his eyes, over his sullen cheeks and thin pale lips that were tinted a slight blue, down his thin neck and over his heaving chest. _

_His small frame was so feminine that, even though he was naked, he still looked very girlish. His stomach was tiny, his chest and abs showed almost no sign of fat or muscle and most of his ribs stuck out through his chest, if he got any thinner he'd be a skeleton with skin. His tiny bruised hips and spindly hairless legs trembled under the Gryffindor's ministrations._

_"Sirius?" Severus whispered, and like a match had been struck Sirius felt a pang of anger hearing his name coming from those lips and couldn't restrain the sharp slap he delivered to the shallow cheek, making Severus's head snap sideways and for him to cry out. Only this time he didn't hold onto the abused area, he remained motionless, only his sobbed, labored breathing and shaking moving his small body. He opened his mouth slightly and whispered, "I'm sorry." his voice so broken and lost that it didn't sound like him at all._

_Severus had completely snapped. He had known where he stood before. He had been the victim for Sirius's bullying, then his personal punching bag and fuck toy. And Severus had fallen in love with him, he couldn't stop himself. But tonight Sirius hadn't left; he'd stayed and watched him fight with the voices. He'd sat next to him and cleaned him and caressed his body gently, a sign that he acknowledged his presence and the pain he was going through, and Severus couldn't handle that. He didn't know how to handle this sudden show of affection and the only thing that he could do was question it. But when he'd spoken his lover's name, he'd been punished. He didn't understand and his mind was incapable of registering Sirius switching personalities so quickly, and he'd completely broke._

_Not knowing what else to do he did what he did as a child and laid on his side curled into a ball, tucking his legs against his chest and pulling his arms close to him, as if they would be bitten off by a shark if he were to move them outwards. He stared unblinkingly at the wall he was facing, the plain grey stone reflected his foggy and aching mind, he couldn't move and he didn't._

_That scared Sirius more then anything. When his young victim just lay curled in on himself, not moving, not blinking. "Snape?" he questioned, but he got no answer. He didn't even flinch when he said it harsher or when he shoved his boney shoulder; he just allowed his body to fall forward slightly. Sirius shook him gently, "Severus?" he whispered, his own voice reflecting his fear of what the teen was doing. He didn't know what else to do so he laid his own cloak over the small, fragile boy and gathered him up into his arms, cradling the living corpse the was his lover, knowing it was all his fault._

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Harry was thrown so forcefully from the pensieve, that his body cracked heavily against the stone wall opposite the glittering bowl of memories and with a slight dry heave, he was heavily sick on the stone cold floor, tears falling freely from his eyes. Never had he witnessed something so horrific in his life and he was beginning to wonder if he even wanted to see his godfather ever again.

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**A/N: Hope you guys enjoyed the latest chapter (as well as enjoying the story so far overall) and I hope to finished and upload the next chapter soon. Please remember to comment/review, all are still greatly appreciated. Thank you.**


	4. Remember by the Fire

**Well here you go guys, chapter 4. We finally get our first glimpses of adult Sirius and Severus interaction with each other, hope you enjoy. Happy reading.**

**Disclaimer:** **I, unfortunatly, do not own Harry Potter nor anything associated with the Harry Potter series or Warner Bros. productions and can only take credit for what my own mind has come up with.**

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When December 23rd finally came, Harry was flooed straight to the living room of Grimmauld Place and exited the fireplace, walking right into the fatherly embrace of his godfather, Sirius Black.

Sirius pushed Harry to arms length to look him over, a big grin on his face and his eyes twinkling with love and pride at the 15 year old Gryffindor.

Harry was actually surprised that he didn't have to force his own grin at the sight of Sirius, feeling the overwhelming sense of love and family that he'd never had in his life since his parent's died and until Sirius had returned, remembering the memories from the pensieve he'd been secretly viewing for weeks.

Sirius led him straight into the kitchen for breakfast and filled his plate full of bacon, eggs, sausages and toast. "I'm so sorry you had to wait until now to come Harry, you know I was begging Dumbledore to let me have you straight away but the last few days have been chaos and we both agreed that you deserved a stress free Christmas this year."

_Stress free?_ Harry though. _Oh how little he knows!_

Harry hadn't been stress free since he'd delved into that very first memory and suddenly the images of the last time he'd seen Sirius burned in his mind and he had to quickly excuse himself to run to the bathroom. Sirius looked at him curiously when he returned after obviously having been sick, but mentioned nothing and simply handed him a small pepper up potion to settle his stomach.

Harry found himself examining Sirius closely over the next few hours, watching his every move and expression as they played a few games of wizards chess, ate lunch, talked about Hogwarts and the Order, ate dinner and wrote letters (Harry's to Ron and Hermione and Sirius' writing to someone unknown) but Harry decided against asking Sirius who he was writing to as the wizards face crunched up into concentration.

It was 8:00pm when Harry finally excused himself to go to bed, feigning tieredness at the journey and the day they'd spent together and he gave Sirius a quick hug and walked as calmly as possible to his rooms.

When he reached the second floor room he threw himself on his bed and stared at the ceiling, allowing all his observations and some bits of the memories fall back to him as he mulled over how exactly he was going to ask Sirius exactly what had happened between him and Snape, knowing that if he didn't find out it would drive him crazy.

However, before he even had time to register how tiered he truly was, he slipped into a fitful sleep still fully dressed.

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It was very dark in the bedroom when Harry woke up to find him self stretched out on his bed in Grimmauld Place, still fully clothed. He glanced at the watch on his wrist to find it was 11:45pm and Harry found that he was very thirsty.

Quickly changing into a pair of burgundy pyjama pants and his favourite gray tshirt, Harry left his room and quietly padded down the stairs, not wanting to wake any of the sleeping portraits, especially not the one of Sirius' mother which would no doubt wake the entire house as well as his Godfather.

But when he reached the bottom step, instead of finding the downstairs dark and empty, he could see the flickering of the fire through the crack in the door and smiled to himself, thinking Sirius must've fallen asleep in his favourite arm chair as he often did.

Harry was about to go and wake him so that he could go to bed, when he froze in his place realising he could hear voice coming from the crack in the slightly a jar door. The teenagers heart rate sped up so much when he recognised that silky, sarcastic tone from inside the living room as belonging to his Potions teacher, Professor Snape. Immediately curious, Harry strained his ears to try and catch every word, careful not to move or make a sound so that he could eavesdrop on their conversation.

- Inside the Living Room-

"...can't possibly expect you to do anything about it though, can they?" Sirius' voice was grave and wavered, his worry for the other man in his every tone.

Snape frowned and dropped his gaze to the floor, "He can do what he wants, I'm afraid I have absolutly no say in what he chooses to demand of me."

Sirius lept out of his seat to stand before the slightly shorter man. **(A/N: **I know Snape is actually a few inches taller but I prefer him to be slightly shorter then Sirius) He placed a hand on the others shoulder and smiled slightly, "We'll go to Dumbledore...he'll no what to do..."

"Don't you think if I thought that would work I'd have told him already!" Severus snapped, agitated. Sirius drew back slightly but remained quiet, knowing Severus was angry at the situation and not at him. He frowned but waited for the younger man to continue. "Albus' main focus is to protect Harry, he is the priority here, not me."

- Out in the hall- 

Harry gasped slightly at the mentioned of his name. Not only because he had been thrown into the conversation unexpectedly, but because he'd never once heared Snape refer to him as Harry, it had always been Potter or Harry Potter.

-Back in the Living Room-

Sirius took Severus' hand into his and held onto it tightly, trying to relay some sort of comfort to his former school enemy. Severus looked downcast and it hurt Sirius to see him feeling so helpless.

"Harry is the prioriety of many people Sev. Me, Albus, Remus...all of the Order, we're all working to keep him safe as well as win this war." Sirius placed a small kiss to the back of Snape's slim hand.

Severus shook his head slightly, gazing into the flames in the hearth so he didn't have to look at the other man when he spoke, "I promised her Sirius...I promised her that I would keep Harry safe..." Severus closed his eyes for a moment and drew in a breath, "...I've done alot of things in my life that I regret, but I will not break that promise. Not to her...not to Lily."

-Back in the hall- 

Harry's knees almost gave way as he slumped against the wall, shocked at the revelation that Snape had promised his mother to protect him.

It was something Harry didn't fully understand. He'd known Snape had been friends with his mother before he'd called her 'that name', but Harry was sure exactly how deep that friendship had been.

But for Snape, his most hated teacher who'd always shown great contempt towards him in the past, to promise his mother that he would keep her only child safe, who was also the son of Snape's most hated man in the world, they must have been even closer then he'd have ever imagined.

-Back in the Living room-

Severus slumped onto the couch, Sirius beside him who wrapped his arms around the smaller man in a comforting embrace, happy that Severus allowed himself to relax into the hug and rest his head on the broad shoulder.

Sirius kissed the top of his head softly and smiled, "Lily would be proud of the way you've protected Harry for all these years, so would James. I know I am." Severus nodded weakly but did not smile, "But you know as well as I do, if Lily were here she'd slap you silly and reprimand you for not taking care of yourself as well."

Severus laughed softly. The sweet sound was odd coming from the usual sarcastic, emotionless man, but it was music to Sirius' ears and as it always did, left him with a wide happy smile plastered across his face.

"She always did take great joy in mother henning me, I think bossing me about was one of her favourite pass times when she wasn't studying." The small smile spread across his face as he remembered his best friend. The suddenly the smile dissappeared and Severus heaved a shaky breath, obviously trying to hold back the pain that came from the loss of his friend.

Sirius knew the shaky breath meant Severus was forcing down tears he'd rather not shed, and he lay another gentle kiss on the other's forehead, resting his cheek to the top of the raven hair and whispered, "I miss them too."

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Water having been completely forgotten Harry hauled himself as quietly as possible back up to his room and shut the door, collapsing on his bed once more.

His own face was streaked with tears that had fallen when he'd heared the two men discussing his parents so fondly, and then just like them it had broke his heart knowing he'd never see them and he'd never have those memories of them that Sirius and even Snape had.

Harry looked at his favourite photo of his parents, dancing in a park somewhere in London, propped up on his bedside table. Happy smiles on their faces, the indentical blazing green eyes stared back at him from his mother's smiling face and for the second time that night, Harry curled up on his bed and fell asleep, with one last whisper of, "I miss you."

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**A/N: I've just cried writing that last bit about Harry talking to his parents' photo. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed this chapter and please do review as they make me very happy.**

**I hoped you enjoyed the little bit of tenderness between Sirius and Severus, because it's not going to last long...that's all I'm saying... **


	5. A Man Possesed

**Well guys here it is. Sorry it's took so long to post this chapter, but I have been stranded in a caravan for a week furiously writing away with pen and paper and have only just returned to the world of computers and WI-FI. Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer:** **I, unfortunatly, do not own Harry Potter nor anything associated with the Harry Potter series or Warner Bros. productions and can only take credit for what my own mind has come up with.**

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Things had been tense between Harry and Sirius for the next few days after that, until the Weasley's finally showed up on Christmas Eve which instantly perked Harry up as he spent days being a normal teenager with his best friend and surrogate family.

Harry loved Sirius very much and he knew it had upset Sirius to see Harry so distant from him, but the happy smile on his face when Harry became his normal self amognst the red headed family was unmissable and it made Harry feel guilty for having pushed Sirius away because he was unable to make sense of everything he knew, and there was still some bit of those memories he just couldn't forget.

But everything became strained again once the Weasley's left on Boxing Day, returning to the Burrow and leaving Harry and Sirius in Grimmauld Place, alone once again.

But it was on Boxing Day, that Harry shot up out of bed, hearing the unmistakble sound of glass smashing and angry voices drifting up to him from downstairs.

The 15 year old crept out into the hall and listened closely at the voices. The loudest was obviously Sirius, but the other voice was too low for him to make out much of anything it was saying, though by the tone, the second voice was definately much calmer and controlled.

Harry threw his invisibility cloak around him and silently made his way down the stairs, avoiding as best he could the one's that creaked the loudest, and he came to a stop in front of the living room door. The door had been left wide open and Harry could see everything that was happening in the room, and he had to bite his tongue to hold in a gasp when he found his Godfather, angry and red faced, glaring like a man possesed at none other then his Potions teacher, Professor Snape, who, Harry noticed, had a giant black and purple bruise covering his left cheek as well as a bust lip and a yellowish tint under his right eye.

The young wizard also had to stop himself from shouting out when Sirius launched himself at the other man, grabbing his front forcibly, and he watched in shocked horror at the fight between the two men.

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"I can't believe you told them! What the fuck were you thinking?"

Sirius' whole form shook in anger, he stood clutching the heavy black robes of the slightly shorter man infront of him, his hansome face twisted into rage and resentment.

The raven haired wizard sighed and sneered back, equally angry about being manhandled like a child, "I had no other choice!"

"NO OTHER CHOICE!" Sirius screamed in the others face, his blue eyes glinting as his fist tightened around the robes, "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TELL THEM ANYTHING!"

Severus rolled his eyes, still sneering unpleasently at the older man, "You know if I don't let things slip now and again He's going to become suspisious of me!"

Severus sighed and closed his eyes, attempting to calm himself as the other bore down on him, knowing that arguing was useless, and began trying to detatch Sirius' fist from his robes, but Sirius was having none of it and with a hard shake he forced him back and pinned him painfully against the wall, his large hand now wrapped around the others throat.

"You greasy, snivling little swine!" Sirius spat nastily, glaring like a man possesed at his captive, "You're an occlumens for fuck sake! You could've made up..."

"It has to be real! If what I say is going to happen doesn't actually happen then He's going to know that I'm lying!" Severus interrupted angrily, earning him self a sharp slam against the stone wall behind him. He hissed in pain, feeling his sore back pulse with pain, knowing there would be bruises there later.

"You...I can't believe...are you stupid...how could..." Sirius sputtered, his anger getting the better of him as he tried to keep himself calm enough to speak coherently.

Severus sneered, "Always this articulate?"

He knew it was a mistake the moment the words left his mouth as the stronger wizards eyes flashed dangerously, but he didn't have time to regret his words before Sirius bashed him harder then ever aginst the wall, throwing him to the ground and delivering a few sharp kicks to his side and stomach.

Sirius swooped down and pulled the other's head up by his long black hair, twisting his fingers in it to make it even more painful, "DO. NOT. CRITISIZE. ME!"

His every word dripped with venom and his tone had turned low and dangerous as he twisted the hair around his fingers and pulled at the roots. "You vile, worthless piece of shit! Do you have any idea how disgusting and useless you are? You're nothing but a coward, running off to your Death Eater buddies and your sadistic little master, feeding them information that endangers everything the Order is working on, so he can pat you on the head like a good little bitch. You disgust me."

And with that, Sirius shoved Snape's head away from him and stepped away from the body of the other man on the floor.

Severus stayed in that position for a few minutes, his breath coming out in jaggered, heavy gasps as every intake pained his chest and side. _'Probably a broken rib' _he thought as he gently clutched at the painful area and began slowly lifting himself to his feet.

His black eyes stung, but he would not let the other see how vulnerable he made him feel, as those once warm blue eyes he loved getting lost in, glared at him icy and cold, flashing with loathing and disgust and it pained Severus further to be the target of all that bad feeling.

"I don't do it on purpose you know" Severus gasped out, his injuries making it hard to speak and his emotions getting caught in his throat. "I hate the person I've become."

Sirius sneered at him, "It's your own stupid fault for joining with those treacherous murderers. You're one of them, you always have been. Disgusting, insignificant, obsessed freak...you may as well just let them kill you Snivillus! No one wants you anyway, and no one ever will!"

Severus threw some Floo Powder into the fire, mumbled some words, and spared one last glance at his abuser, silent tears falling down his sallow cheeks and with a croacked out, "I know" he allowed the green flames to swallow him up, leaving Sirius with his own anger and guilt at what had just happened.

Sirius slumped in his chair, placing his head in his hands and closed his eyes, doing his best to calm his rage and steady his breathing.

That's when he heared it. The unmistakble sound of somebody breathing...panting heavily and he lifted his heavy head to stare at the doorway for the source of the noise.

Sirius rose stealthily and moved in two large strides the the door way, moving his hand out infront of him until his fingers made contact with something invisible in front of him, and when he pulled it, he was horrified to find the scrawny, messy haired teen appear from underneath the inivisibility cloak, and his eyes widened and jaw dropped open in shock.

"Harry?"

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**A/N: Well I hope you guys think it was worth the wait. Please review because I do love reading your thoughts about each chapter.**

**I will do my very best to make sure you don't have to wait as long for the next chapter.**


	6. Regret that knows Love

**Well here is the new chapter. Is it just me or do they all seem to be getting shorter? I really should start making them slightly longer. Oh well, maybe next time but for now, as Hermione would say, happy reading! **

**Disclaimer: ****I, unfortunatly, do not own Harry Potter nor anything associated with the Harry Potter series or Warner Bros. productions and can only take credit for what my own mind has come up with.**

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Sirius stared horrified at the young wizard infront of him, his face a portrayal of the terror and anger the young boy held for what he just witnessed his Godfather doing.

"Harry?" Sirius tried to get the boy to speak to him, raising one hand in an attempt to comfort the confused boy when Harry jerked away from his touch and made to turned on his heel to get away from his Godfather.

But Sirius was quicker and he reached out, grabbing the arm of the boy-who-lived before he was able to run away, but the instant his fingers closed around the scrawy arm, Harry began jerking his arm, fighting against the man who had hold of him.

"Get off!" He struggled against the grip on his arm, "GET OFF ME!"

The sound of his Godson so angry shocked Sirius into loosening his grip so that Harry was able to wrench himself free and take a few steps away from the long haired man.

Sirius blinked and sighed shakily, "Harry...you have to let me explain...I..."

"I know what you did to him!" Harry glared, anger and betrayal written clearly across his young face, making him look more furious then Sirius had ever seen him.

The older man sputtered, eyes wide with confusion and shock, "W...what do you mean?"

The teens face twisted, "I know what you did to him...when you were at school..."

"H...how?"

"I saw his memories. In the pensieve he keeps in his office. I've been sneaking back since last month to see what else was there."

Saying it outloud made Harry feel even more guilty for sneaking around, but he pushed those feelings to the back of his mind as he glared down the one man he'd looked to as a parents since his third year.

Sirius dropped his head and frowned heavily, before sighing and moving towards the fireplace. He took a handful of floo powder from the pouch on the mantle piece and threw it into the grate, sticking only his head into the grate he said clearly, "Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Professor Severus Snape's Private Quarters" and with a blast of eeiry green flames, there was suddenly an agitated, angry voice sounding from inside the fire.

"What do you want Black? Haven't you done enough damage to me for tonight?"

But the biting tone was cut off by the sound of Sirius' defeated plea, "Severus, I need you, it's important..." and the sentence had barley been finished when the form of Professor Severus Snape appeared inside the fire, gracefully stepping out of the grate with a confused and tiered expression plastered across his face, which Harry thought made him look about 10 times older then he actually knew he was.

"What's so important that you _need_ me?" the teacher asked, emphasising the word Sirius had used. But his sneer fell dead on his face when he caught sight of Sirius' scared and guilty face, compared to the confusion, anger and pain on Harry's.

Severus looked between the two, contemplating who had done what to cause such frayed tension between the two who obviously loved each other, and who were now standing on opposite ends of the room both looking like they done something wrong.

The bottomless black eyes caught watery blue as his gaze rested on Sirius, "What have you done now?"

Sirius body shook as he took in a breath, "Harry saw us...just before...he knows Severus...he knows everything."

Snape's usual unpenetrable, blank mask died instantly as his face twisted into a look of pure horrorified anger, "What do you mean he knows everything?" his tone was biting and filled with uncertainty and fear. Harry had to blink and look closely at the man to make sure it was still him.

Sirius shook his head, "He found your pensieve, saw your memories."

Snape's furious glare rested on the teenager, rooting him to the spot as the terrifying wizard bore down on him, grabbing the front of his shirt and sneering, "How dare you go through my personal things! You would've had to break into my office to find that pensieve! HOW DARE YOU!"

It was Sirius who had to jump into action, prying Snape's long fingers from Harry's now creased shirt and gently pushing the fuming man away.

"Don't take this out on him Sev, he's had enough of a shock alread."

"A shock!" Harry gasped out, speaking for the first time since Snape arrived, casuing him to feel even more guilt for betraying the mans privacy, "A SHOCK! I saw you! I saw what you did to him!" he glared angrily at Sirius, gesturing to Snape who stood slightly uneasy, "I've been replaying it for almost a month! When I saw you..." But his voice died away as the images of the most horrific memory surfaced in his mind, causing him to bite his tongue to stop himself from being sick.

Sirius looked terrified, guilty like a man on the last second of being convicted, and he turned his pleading eyes to the other man, beginning him to do or say something that would help.

Severus' face softened at the look Sirius gave him, and he turned unusually kind eyes on his student. "Harry" The sound of his first name coming from that voice was enough to shock Harry into looking up, staring intently at the man hovering a few feet away from him, "I understand your confusion about what you have seen. You had no right to go through my private memories but now that you have you must know that what was in that pensieve was barely half of the story."

Harry's wide eyes glazed over for a few moments as he took in his professors words. He watched with curiosity as Snape turned to Sirius and said, "Show him."

Sirius shook his head but one meaningful look from his ex-lover forced his hand and Sirius unbuttoned the bottom over his shirt, moving the edge up to reavel a long, deep gnash that ran jagged and headled over from Sirius' left nipple, all the way down his left side and came to an end on his lower back, mere inches from the base of his spine.

Harry gasped, tears springing to his eyes at the injury his Godfather hid. Sirius fixed his shirt again and breathed heavily.

"What you saw in those memories," Snape continued, "Was the way Black treated me all those years ago." He glanced at Sirius and Harry barely caught the flash of pain in his eyes before it was gone again, "What you didn't see was the way I treat him."

Harry gasped, looking again and Sirius' now covered side and then back to Snape who nodded, strands of black hair falling into his black eyes and covering the purple bruise on his face, "Yes Harry, I gave him that scar. It's not the only injury he recieved from me, but it is the worst and it is the one I'm the most ashamed of."

With rapt fascination, Harry watched as Sirius placed a gentle hand on Snape's arm, sqeezing for a few seconds and then moving it away, as if that one gesture gave him all the comfort in the world, Snape's whole body visibly relaxed.

"Harry," Sirius spoke again, his voice wavering as he took a step towards his Godson but he was pleased that this time the young wizard didn't step away. "I know you must be confused about what you know, and I'm willing to explain everything as best I can, but the urm...relationship...Severus and I have, well, it still confuses me sometimes and I don't think either of us have ever truly come to understand it."

Harry shook his head, green eyes swimming with uncertainty as he ran one hand through his messy black hair and pushed his glasses further up his nose. The something else suddenly hit him, "So what about tonight?" Harry looked between the two men, "You attacked him, and then you didn't even defend yourself. You just agreed with what he said and left."

Severus sighed and looked at Sirius, "Like Sirius said, even we do not understand ourselves sometimes. And he obviously has much less self control then me, Sirius is often prone to portraying his emotions in a violent and angry way instead of having the human decency to calm himself. It's a common trait of a dog."

Sirius' eyes slit into a glare at Snape, "Don't start with me now Snape, I'm not in the mood for an argument with you."

Snape merely shrugged and returned his gaze to Harry, "Look Potter. The one thing you have to understand, though believe me it does still pain me to admit it, is that Sirius is not a bad person. In fact he is an abnormally good person. Yes, he has done bad things in the past and believe me, no one knows more then me how much he regrets them, but he is not the only person to have those faults and he would never do anything to bring harm to you or anyone else he loves. You can trust him with that."

The unmistakable tone full of certainty and conviction at his own words floated around Harry's ears, but something else hit him just as he saw Snape turn to leave.

"But he loves you."

The other man stopped in his tracks. Turning smoothly on his heel to look at the teenager, confused. "I saw it, in one of your memories. You were in the Astronomy tower, I think you were going to jump when he stopped you. And he admitted he loves you..." Harry's words died off when Sirius suddenly slumped to the floor, his expression between sadness and a small smile.

Snape stared intently at the man on the floor for a minute before shaking his head. "One of those things I regret...was not jumping when I had the chance."

And not waiting to see Sirius' head snap up and the ex-Gryffindor jump up from the floor to try and catch him; or seeing Harry's sad frown and shaky gasp, Severus threw his floo powder into the grate and vanished in an explosion of green flames for the second time that night.

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**A/N: Oh I love ending on cliff hangers, it gives me so much to work with in the next chapter. Hope you enjoyed it and please do keep reviewing, your wonderful reviews make me a very happy little writer.**

**To be honest I regret revealing Harry's knowledge to Snape and Sirius this early in the story, but once again with this new chapter my plans for this story have changed and Harry, as well as someone else, will begin to play a key role in discovering more about Severus and Sirius' past. Wonder if you guys can guess who it is? **


	7. Show of Madness

**Sorry this took so long, here is the knew chapter. Yes I know this is very short but the next one will hopefully make up for it if everything goes according to plan.**

**Disclaimer: ****I, unfortunatly, do not own Harry Potter nor anything associated with the Harry Potter series or Warner Bros. productions and can only take credit for what my own mind has come up with.**

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It was a long time before either wizard spoke. So long that even the fire in the iron grate had began to burn out, casting the whole room with a dim red glow.

Harry watched from his place leant against the wall farthest away from the fireplace, as his Godfather knealt on the floor, staring into the dying embers.

The older man's form did not move or flicker, not even when Harry finally moved from his spot and slumped into an overstuffed arm chair, his bright green eyes never leaving the inner torture of Sirius' expression.

Harry wondered for a few moments what the man was thinking, neither of them had uttered a word since Snape's last confession and dramatic departure. The teenager sighed heavily and once again rose from his position, glancing at the grandfather clock in the corner which showed it to be a little past 1:30am, and with silent footsteps he breached the gap between himself and the other man and placed a gentle hand on the man's still slumped shoulder.

"Sirius?" his voice shook with disuse and he had to clear his throat to speak again, "Sirius?"

Said man finally turned his eyes from the grate to look at his Godson, ice blue eyes meeting bottle green ones and they gave away the built up pain, guilt and anguish that had existed in them since the moment the green flames had deceased.

"Sirius" Harry began again, trying to shake the haunted look from his minds eye, "I _am_ going to need you to explain to me what exactly is going on...but for now, just answer this one question..." the older man nodded his compliance and looked to the younger with devastation in his eyes, "Do you love him?"

That was what it took to have Sirius leap to his feet, back away slowly and begin punching the wall with all the strength left in his body.

Harry watched as the older man took his frustrations out on the stone wall. He knew this show of madness frightened him somewhat, but he was also aware with exactly how calm he felt. Snape's words and confident, silky voice wrapped around his foggy mind.

_"...he would never do anything to bring harm to you or anyone else he loves. You can trust him with that." _

The black haired boy found it very easy to whole heartedly agree with that statement, however a small uncertainty in his own new found knowledge of what had happened between Sirius and Snape in their past, forced him to wonder if there was a dark side of Sirius, no matter how small, that even love could not stop him from causing hurt.

It only took, Harry noted, about 3 minutes for Sirius to grow tiered and stop his punching, choosing instead to slump against the wall with his sweaty forehead pressed against the cool stone he'd been abusing just seconds before.

Harry waited, watching as Sirius' shoulders shook with the effort of holding back tears and failing as a few strays slid down his cheeks.

He asked once more, "Do you love him?" And was answered with Sirius whipping round to face him, every mixed emotion he held playing out like a movie on his horrified face for the world to see, and with one small whimpered sigh, he nodded his head.

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**A/N: Once again I am sorry this chapter was so short but this is how I wanted this chapter to end and I couldn't think of any way to make it longer. Never the less, I hope you enjoyed reading it and I will do my best to post the next chapter asap. Reviews, as always, greatly appreciated.**


	8. Our love and hate

**Behold, chapter 8. Thank you all so much for all your reviews, they do put a happy little smile on my face and encourage me to write much faster. Happy reading...**

**Disclaimer: ****I, unfortunatly, do not own Harry Potter nor anything associated with the Harry Potter series or Warner Bros. productions and can only take credit for what my own mind has come up with.**

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There was a new determination flashing in those same ice blue eyes that had spent the night crying out every emotion, until their keeper was left feeling raw and exhausted.

Candle's burned around him, the flickering flames sharing their light with the room, illuminating the calm figure sat peacefully in an over stuffed arm chair lightly tapping his finger tips in a rhythmless beat, carefully watched by a slighter, less calm figure on the couch.

Sirius smiled at his Godson. They had spent most of the day discussing the memories Harry had seen in the pensieve and Sirius had tried to help Harry understand those little scraps of information. Though this had effectively placed an emblem of calmness and clearity in Harry's mind, it nagged at him that the one topic they had avoided all together was the worst part of what Harry had seen in the last memory.

"Something you have to understand Harry" Sirius said, his rough voice playing delicately with the words escaping his tongue, "Is that Severus and I hated each other, we loathed each other, from the very moment we first met. Perhaps it is true, that had your father and I not bullied him as much as possible, things could have turned out much differently. But one thing that always angered both of us, the one thing that led to us becoming tangeled up in that viscious, violent relationship, was that no matter how much we hate and despise each other, we love each other just the same. And nothing we ever did to try and change that worked, and our foolishness in believeing we could somehow change our emotions is what caused us to do the things we regret most in the world."

Harry nodded solemly, remembring Snape's confession that the scar he left on Sirius' side was the thing he regretted doing the most, and the green eyes lingered for a moment where he knew the hidden injury to be, before removing them to look back into Sirius' eyes.

"Do you still feel like that?" Harry asked, new found confidence in his own questions, "You love each other just as much as you hate each other?"

The teenager watched as Sirius scrunched up his face in thought for a few seconds before his gaze returned back to Harry, "I believe so, well...at least I know that I do...though Severus is a much more complicated man then I, and presuming to completely understand him is like presuming that stepping into a fire will not burn you alive." Harry outwardley winced at the mental image which led Sirius to chuckle lightly. "I know you don't think much of him Harry, he never really allows many people to see past his initial cruel mask...I just hope you can believe that I know him better then most, I've known him for a very long time, and though I have the scars to prove that assuming I know him completely is a very big mistake, I know in my very soul that I love him, and that he loves me back."

Harry gave a small smile and a nod to his Godfather, finding himself feeling proud that he had come to this understanding, and feeling happy that the man so broken from his 12 year stint in Azkaban was still able to love someone with as much fierceness that was shown in his gaze.

And through Harry's own thoughs, the one thought of Sirius' that echoed louder then any other was, _'at least, I hope he does'._

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For the first time in three days Grimmauld Place was aloud with the sound of life. December 29th brought with it the next Order meeting, and both Sirius and Harry were happy to welcome the distraction and company of other people. While Harry, Ron and the twins dissappeared into the drawing room, the order took up place around the dining room table.

The meeting was just about to begin when the sound of the front door opening and closing interrupted and into the dining room strode Albus Dumbledore, his famous twinkle lost in a sombre, almost sad expression, and he was closely followed by none other then the man Sirius had been hoping to see, Severus Snape.

Sirius had to force down a smile at the first sight of him, mentally reminding himself of keeping appearences in front of everyone else, though after some close studying of the other man the hidden smile was completely lost.

"You look like shit Snape." The animagus said before he could stop himself. In fact Snape did look just that, his lank hair hung limply around his face, hiding fading bruises as well as new ones that adorned his shallow, pale face. He looked deathly sickly and his skin had taken on a slight blue tint, his eyes sunken and surrounded by black bags, along with his long limbs seeming even thinner underneath his usually perfectly fitted robes gave the man the impression of a walking corpse.

Sirius couldn't help but frown at the exhausted, over worked man who sat opposite him, but Snape just sneered in his direction, "What an ingenious observation Black. I'm afraid not all of us have the luxioury of being a burden, some of us actually have work to do."

Everyone around them frowned, waiting for Sirius' retort and they were quite surprised when none came, though were quickly distracted as Dumbledore began speaking.

Sirius, however, was mulling over those words in his head. Noting how each word quivered with what appeared to be mocking, but Sirius knew as defensive bating. There had been no venom in Snape's eye's when he spoken, only exhaustion and a kind of hopelessness that made the other wizard shiver as if doused in ice water.

While Sirius tried to disguise his glances at Snape by looking swiftly around the rest of the table before staring once more at his target, he noticed that Snape's eyes were drooping slightly and his body swayed somewhat melodically, as if the man was about to fall asleep where he sat while his attention remained focused on the Headmaster, trying with all his strength to focus on the meeting.

A slight pang of worry hit Sirius in the stomach for the other man. He knew how troubled Snape became in his sleep, often leaving him for a few days without any at all, and coupled with the dangerous and weary job of being a double agent and spy for the Order meant the man looked as if he'd not recieved a good nights sleep since last year, and it made the animagus sick knowing that that was possibly true.

Just as Kingsley began debating with Minerva about a new strategy, something to do with Hogsmead and the surrounding area, Snape's unfocused eyes rose to meet with Sirius', and the black pools were bloodshot and looked almost maddening. Though Sirius knew how to read those eyes and the passive mask of Severus Snape slipped for a few seconds, showing the other man his pain, fear and exhaustion, before it was forced back onto his face quicker then it'd slipped. But Sirius caught it and gave the other man a compassionate smile, pleased that Snape's head only nodded slightly instead of the pattented sneer Sirius was accoustmend to. Though neither man realised that someone else was watching them with curious interest. Sirius wasn't the only one who saw the mask slip.

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**A/N: Ok, so keeping with my promise that this chapter be posted quicker, I have decided to end it here instead of extending and have changed my idea's for chapter 9 which is now going to be Snape centred...because I love him so much I have decided I want to focus on his emotions and the outcomes the past had for him...and I still have the plan for that other character to pop in and stir things up (good or bad I haven't decided) wonder if any of you can guess who it is? Here's a hint: this character has yet to be mentioned at all in the story.**

**Please Review, they do make me happy...**


	9. Voice of insanities reason

**I'm sooooooo very sorry it took this long guys! Let's just say college has been more then a nightmare for the last couple of months and I've only just finished this chapter. Thank you for all your reviews, and again I'm very sorry I made you wait so long, so without further ado here is chapter 9.**

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The cooking scent of dinner floated like a warm tasty ghost along the stone cold corridors of Hogwarts dungeon, twisting and bending with every give and take of each gray wall, seeping into every crack and unnoiticable hidden passage until it slipped under the door and lingered in the air of the private quarters of Slytherin head of house, Severus Snape.

Severus inhaled the scent, but instead of making his empty stomach grumble to be fed, it did a flip flop and the wizard had to force himself not to be sick.

He'd being feeling like hell (and looking like it as Sirius had so subtly made note of), ever since his last meeting with the Dark Lord and the other Death Eaters. Though he'd never allow himself to show the cracks in his finely groomed demeanor of evil, angry potions master in public view, here in the privacy of his rooms he was able to relax his mind and break his crafted mask to allow some kind of resting peace.

He sunk onto the sofa, resting one hand over his tight, small stomach while he used the index and thumb of his other hand to slowly rub the tieredness from his black circled eyes. Exhaustion would not do when classes began again in two days, he simply had to carry on as if all is normal, as if he's not cracking ever so slightly under the enormity of it all.

Severus stared for a sort while into the crackling flames of the fire, the only source of warmth in his cold, dark room, and almost feel from the sofa in shock when the orange embers suddenly flashed green and he heared the unmistakable voice uttering the password which would allow him instant access through Severus' floo and within seconds there was a happily grinning Sirius Black, standing in front of him, obviously very pleased with himself.

But it only took once quick glance at Snape's rigid position before Sirius was beside him on the couch, scanning the bits of the other man he could see. "Oh Merlin Severus, you still look awful" Sirius said, his eyes bouncing from the scar on Snape's sullen cheek, to the bony hand rested atop the slim stomach.

Severus shuffled as far away from the other man as he could get without removing himself from the couch and sat up straight, though his hand remain pressed to his stomach which now had a feeling of fluttering neausea. Sirius frowned at this action and move to rest his hand on Snape's arm who flinched for a second before forcing himself to remain in place.

Sirius dropped his head and sighed, rubbing his chin for a moment, "I wasn't going too..." but the words died on his tongue when Severus tentavily moved his free hand so that his finger tips were touching those of Sirius' hand that rested on the couch between them, making the older of the two smile happily. It was always a good sign when Severus made the first move.

Sirius steeled himself and moved so that he could take the hand into his own, gently stroking the back with the pad of his thumb. "How are you feeling?" the animagus questioned.

An answering sigh escaped Severus' lips before he pursed them in thought, his eyes never lifting frm staring at the carpet beneath his feet as he pondered his answer, chosing each word carefully before deciding to speak. "My injuries are healing, there is no chance of infection if I continue to take my potions" the younger man stated.

Sirius sighed in slight agitation. He should've known Snape would phrase his answer so that it relayed only facts with none of the feeling. "I wish you wouldn't do that."

Severus remained stunned for a moment before raising a qeustioning look to the other.

Sirius clarified in a frustrated tone, "Answering with facts. I asked how you were feeling, not how your injuries are, because I can plainly see that they are still paining you" he nodded to the covered stomach and Severus quickly removed both his hands from their current positions and placed them on his knees.

Sirius groaned and put his head in his hands, shaking his long mane of hair from his ice blue eyes as he looked up to stare intently at the other wizard, "I'm not angry at you Sev!" he sighed, before his voice rose in his frustration, "I just wish you'd give me a straight answer for once!"

Sirius jumped up from the couch and strode over to the fire, gripping it tightly and breathing deeply to calm himself before he spoke again. He promised Harry he wouldn't do anything to harm Snape, and he knew shouting at the man wasn't going to get him anywhere. _This is going to be harder then I thought!_

When he turned back around Snape was sitting rigidly on the couch, shoulders slumped in defeat, head bowed so that his chin touched his chest and his hair vieled his scarred face, hands tightly gripping his knees which were firmly held together and his whole form remained unmoving other then the slightly jolt of shaky breaths.

Sirius became angry at himself, _Great, _He thought, _Now I've scared him! Well done Sirius! you can't even apologise right._

The animagus shook his head and replaced himself on the couch, making sure there was a omfortable distance between them. "I'm sorry Sev. I didn't mean to get frustrated like that. I promise you, I'm not angry...I don't know what I am really...I just want to help."

Sirius waited patiently for the raven to relax and smiled in small triumph when the smaller mans body untensed and he relaxed again into the couch, once again resting a hand on his stomach.

Sirius couldn't help but question, "What's wrong with your stomach?"

Severus tensed again, but relaxed much more quickly, subconsciously rubbing small circles into his belly in a feeble attempt to ease the ache. "I feel sick" the potions master admitted.

Sirius frowned at the other and pulled the man close to him, ignoring the tensing and wrapping his arms around the others skrawny framed, gently removing Snape's bony (and he now noted cold) hand from his stomach and replaced in with his larger, warmer one and began rubbing soothing circles into the mans belly. Severus' dull black eyes just watched the movement of the other mans hand on his belly, willing himself to relax but the memory of the last time he and Sirius were alone together just before Christmas was still fresh in his mind and forced his shoulder to shake with the unwanted suspicion that another game was being played on him and he couldn't let his gaurd down.

Severus hated thinking like this, but he knew his mind no longer had a choice but to present him with all of the worst case scenario's of something as simple as a hug. Though even hugs weren't simple in Severus' experience, embraces like that were almost always coupled with something bad and those memories flashed before his eyes as he struggled with holding himself in place, his mind screaming _GET AWAY! RUN YOU IDIOT! _But he just couldn't.

_This is Sirius_, he reminded that niggering voice inside his head.

_Exactly! _The voice answered

_He's not going to hurt me..._

_What, like he didn't last time? Or the time before that? Or all the times before that? _The voice interrupted, bring back it's own memory flashes.

_He said he wasn't going to hurt me._

_Oh right, like he's never said that before! _The voice turned viscious as it snarled inside his mind, _Have you forgotten what else happened that night in the Astronomy Tower?_

Severus was shocked out of his reviere by Sirius placing a light kiss to his cheek and the younger wizard immediately saw red and threw himself away from the other man, shaking and frantically searching for his wand which he failed to remember he'd left on the kitchenette counter.

"Severus...?" Sirius questioned but the raven haired man shook his head and pointed to the floo. "I need you to leave please" he said, forcing his voice not to tremble.

Sirius made a move to come closer but Severus threw himself back, panicking when his back hit the wall as he realised Sirius now had him cornered from this angle with no way to defend himself and his mind was no longer on his side. But Sirius did as requested, with a devastated look on his face as he spared one last glance to the trembling potions professor before he whispered "Bye Sev" and stepped into the green flames.

And with the last dying flame collapsing in the grate, Severus Snape's frail, shaken body imitated the movement and crashed, unconscious, to the floop beneath.

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**A/N: Well I hope that made up for me taking so long, even if the chapter itself is still quite short. This story takes more batterings in my head that my own little voice telling me to stop eating so much chocolate (NEVER!). But, on a brighter note I'm going to give a hint to the mystery character...none of you have guessed it! So keep guessing! Updates will come as quickly as possible, and keep those reviews coming campers. **

**Nekoroar2396- Question: What is a beta? (excuse my lack of knowledge, I live under a rock you see)**


	10. Coffee talks of faded tan's

**Okay first I would like to say, I am very sorry it took this long too post a new chapter...but on the bright side, my mystery character will enter into this chapter and a whole new side to the story will be revealed (and still no one got the character). I have tried to keep it as close to the J.K. character's future's as possible, so that might give you a clue as to who it is before you read.**

**But without any further ado, enjoy!**

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...drip...drip...drip...drip...drip...

drip...drip...drip...

drip...

_urgh! Stupid tap! The last thing I need is incessant dripping when my head already hurts!_

Two black brows furrowed against the sudden striking pain that shot through Severus' head as he opened his eyes against the dulling light of a candle that had been lit on his bedside table..._Wait! _The potions master suddenly thought, staring around at his surroundings with confusion. _I could've sworn I passed out in the living room...how the hell did I end up in bed?_

He looked down at himself and took in the long black silk night shirt and furrowed his brow further, the pain spreading throughout his head but refused to become weak to it, he'd felt much worse. It was the confusion, more then the pain, that had him gently pulling himself out of bed, grabbing his wand and moving slowly towards the drifting scent of...wait...was that coffee?

Severus glanced back to the clock on his wall which read 3:11am. There was only one person in the world he knew who consistently drank coffee at three in the morning and unconsciously Severus put down his wand and walked slowly through the living room and into the kitchenette where sure enough, none other then Charlie Weasley was sitting at his kitchen table, happily enjoying a rather large mug of steaming hot coffee.

Severus reared back as the red haired dragon tamer gleamed at him, genuinely happy to see him awake and walking around after that rather nasty bump to the head. But it didn't take long for Snape to force his wall back up, "Weasley? What on earth are you doing here?"

Charlie's face fell, the usually cheerful smile replaced by a slight frown full of concern for his old professor, "I saw Sirius, he came back rather frantic." Charlie paused for a moment, taking in the flicker of emotions that Snape thought he'd missed...he hadn't. Picking his next words carefully he continued, "Sirius was mumbling to himself, I asked him what was wrong and he just kept mumbling...but your name cropped up a few times, along with the phrases 'What have I done?' and 'Ruined everything'"

Charlie kept his tone as gentle as possible. He could see that at the current moment Snape was quite like a frightened and confused deer ling and the slightest off putting noise could send him one of two ways, running back to the safety of his room or becoming so angry as his magic lost control and he ended up hurt...again.

But Charlie knew how to handle this situation. Slowly he got up from his chair and moved to make Severus a mug of coffee the muggle way, fully aware of those bottomless onyx eyes following his every move.

When he finished he turned back to Severus, who was now very aware that he was wearing only a sleep shirt and that it must have been Charlie to put it on him, and he smiled that genuine warm smile that Severus could only ever associate with someone like Charlie. Whole and untainted.

"Sit down Severus, I won't bite...you should know that about me by now" the red haired man chuckled at his own poor joke, happy emotion dancing across his lightly freckled face which was morphed into a gentle grin that the potions master didn't quite meet those chocolate brown eyes so signature to the red-headed Weasley clan.

"Why are you here Weasley?" Snape asked, his voice rough from pain and disuse. The last thing he expected was for said man to burst into very un-manly fits of giggles which really didn't suit his bad boy dragon trainer persona, and made him look like a child that had just been told a simple minded joke. "What is so funny?" Severus asked, slightly angered by this reaction to his perfectly reasonable question.

Charlie just shook his head, bangs of lightly curled hair falling into his eyes, his voice becoming much more reprimanding but still in high spirits after his laughing fit. "After all of this time and everything that has happened, you still can't call me by my first name? Really Severus?"

Severus' eyes widened slightly, before he relaxed and dropped his gaze down to his coffee. He couldn't help but be impressed with how the other man remembered that this large black mug with it's intricate design of a wolf-dog in silver around the side was his favorite coffee mug, and what was even more impressive, after the potions master had taken a sip, was that the 23 year old had remembered exactly how he liked his coffee, black with a shot of hazelnut juice. "I have become set in my ways it seems..."

Charlie cut him off, "You are not old Severus, you're only 35 for goodness sake."

"I have become older then my years Mr Weasley." Severus said, his tone dropping into one of neutral conversation. He'd never truly understood how it had become so easy for him to talk to the red head facing him. He was not at all anything like him, with his shaggy, wavy bangs of shining red hair, a joyous face lightly littered with light brown freckles that matched his chocolate, almond shaped eyes. The slight, but muscular build that made him a great chaser in his youth and also made him a great dragon tamer in adulthood.

Severus wondered momentarily when Charlie had acquired the newest tattoo that was showed off on his left arm by the short sleeve muggle shirt he wore. Charlie followed the raven haired man's line of vision and smiled, "I got it in Argentina. There was a rather nasty Horntail incident, some idiot had smuggled it into the country and it was wreaking havoc with the locals, it's a water snake."

Severus nodded his understanding, taking in the slightly swaying, curled up gray and black snake that was inked on the other man's lightly tanned skin. "You have been away from Romania for too long, your tan is beginning to fade."

This time Charlie's laugh was a slight bellow, and Severus allowed him self a few seconds of hidden laughter before returning behind his mental wall.

Charlie just loved that the older man still remembered how much he would complain about losing his suntan in his younger years and found it funny that Severus would remember something so trivial after everything the man had been through in his obscenely repressive life. But he remembered the situation surrounding the memories and his laughing softened into a small wistful smile.

"You're right, I have been away far too long." Charlie said, his voice unusually strained and saddend. "We all must make sacrifices in the wage of war."

Severus dropped his gaze back too his now cold coffee and nodded gently, he understood only too well how much sacrifice was needed for the sake of this war. Probably because most everything he had he sacrificed a long time ago, and everything he had left was slowly slipping away.

Severus didn't know what made him do it, and he didn't think he would ever know, but one moment he was gripping his coffee mug in one hand with the other resting on his lap and in the next the mug was abandoned on the table and one bony, pale hand was rested lightly on Charlie's forearm which as rested across the table. Charlie looked at the alien appendage and smiled almost serenely, before taking the bony hand into his own wider one, gently rubbing one calloused finger across the back of the other man's hand.

Severus sighed softly, wondering why he felt comfortable enough to hold hands with his former student after everything that had happened.

And it was long before that little tittering voice in his head was shouting at him again...

_**Take your hand away!**_

_why?_

_**Because he's going to hurt you!**_

_...why would he hurt me? He never has before._

_**None of them ever hurt you before, but it always happened eventually!**_

_No, Charlie's not like that!_

_**Charlie?...I though he was Mr. Weasley?...**_

_He...he is..._

_**You like him, don't you?**_

_NO! Of course not!...I just...appreciate that he was trying to help me._

_**Yeah yeah, tell yourself whatever you want...but I wonder what Sirius would say if he found out...**_

_...GO AWAY!_

Charlie watched that combating emotions in the older wizards pained black eyes, knowing that the internal struggle within the man would forever be present and it hurt him that he wasn't able to help the ravenette through his own mental battle, but he knew that bringing the situation up would only do to upset the man further and so he decided it was time he take his leave.

"I think you should get some rest...you received a rather nasty bump to the head and I practically had to forced the potions down your throat so that it wouldn't leave you with concussion." The younger man said, watching calmly as Severus was startled out of his internal battle, but he smiled when the dark man stood up and pulled his hand away from Charlie's, moving carefully back towards his bedroom.

He stopped at the fireplace, noticing that Charlie had stopped to pick up a handful of floo powder before throwing it in the grate and saying '12 Grimmauld Place, London."

And as the red flames turned a bright shade of green, Charlie turned around to see Severus smoothing one hand down his silk nightshirt, trying to stop it from riding up past his thighs and Charlie grinned mischievously, "Don't worry Severus...it's nothing I haven't seen before" and with a cheeky wink, the red head stepped into the green flames, leaving Severus to wonder back to his bedroom, trying to force down the embarrassed blush on his cheeks.

The raven haired man laid back down in bed and wrapped the warm covers around his chilled frame before extinguishing the light and resting his head on the soft pillow, thinking to himself, _Okay, Charlie, if that's the way you want to play it. _Before he fell into the most peaceful sleep he'd had in years, subconsciously knowing that Charlie had the whole rooms warded to alert him if anything bad happening to Severus, and for reasons unknown to him, the older man took comfort in the fact that for once, someone actually cared enough to be looking out for him.

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**Again, sorry this took so long to post, but I hope you all enjoyed it. It has been one of my favorite chapters to write and I'm actually very happy with the way I've brought Charlie into this fic. Bet none of you saw that coming though, did you?**

**Anyway, as always I love every review I get so please do review cause they make me and Snape muse smile (though he won't admit it).**


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